Random on-the-spot paragraphs I wrote. Scrap or no?
December 20, 2009 by
Filed under stuffed pterodactyl
Ok, I just had the urge to write this and threw in some names.
The hospital room smelled like sickness. And hot dogs. Steph lay beneath a twisting mass of neon colored cables, her dinosaur print gown exposing the cast that encircled her left leg. When I’d left, she’d been asleep, with a line of drool making it’s way over her skin. Now the drool was gone–smeared across the back of her hand–and she was very much awake.
Her antifreeze-green eyes flashed dangerously in the bleaching light, her mouth a thin line of repressed anger. Whether she was in pain, Seth had said something so awful only Seth could say it, or she was agonizing over the fact that she wore a dress covered in grinning pterodactyls, it was impossible to tell. Possibly it was all three.
I took great pains to keep out of the reach of her IV-injected hands.
Seth noticed me and beamed, reaching for the Styrofoam cup in my hand. Reluctantly, I handed it over, letting a drop of black coffee spill, dying his skin the color of Maci’s hair.
Bad Ethan. Shouldn’t be thinking about Maci.
“Thanks bro,” Seth said, tossing back half the cup in one swallow. His T-shirt was dirty and smelled like the burgers they sold at the cafe down the hall. The white print spelled out ‘I do all my own stunts’ in cracked, fading letters. He looked like he hadn’t showered in days.
“How can you drink that stuff?” I asked, wrinkling my nose. “It’s going to give you a third eye or something.”
So, yeah. I was bored. Tell me what you think.
Jade: If you mean the (Bad Ethan. Shouldn’t be thinking about Maci) thing, it was Ethan (whose POV it’s from) talking to himself in third person. Otherwise it is in first person. Sorry if this was confusing. There isn’t more detail because it’s starting off in the middle of a story I haven’t even developed.
I think the first paragraph is very good, and the others aren’t bad either. Keep writing, I think you have some interesting ideas
For spur of the moment, their really good. Go to my profile and help me come up with a title for my short story. First question under “My Questions”
I think it was very confusing. I don’t understand where all the characters are coming from all of a sudden. Also, it sounds like It is switching views a lot. I would go with first person which is one of the characters telling the story in I and Me. I think that would be less confusing for something like this. WAY MORE DETAIL! It would sound better and could be imagined better with detail.
It was excellent for spur of the moment.
It’s just hard to tie what happening together when I haven’t read an actual storyline.
It’s pretty good.
I have no idea what’s happening, lol, but you do have me interested to find out what’s going on. Nice 
I Like It, It Leaves Me Hungry For More.
It is a bit confusing. There are parts that left me in a fog as to what was going on.
“The hospital room smelled like sickness. And hot dogs. Steph lay beneath a twisting mass of neon colored cables”
-I guess a hospital room could smell of sickness, but what is the hot dog comment about. I have not been in too many hospitals, but non smelled of hot dogs. In fact, when most people think about the smell of a hospital, they think of antiseptic, and the chemical smell of cleanliness.
What are the neon cables? That was unclear, most hospital beds are not covered in cables. This part was unclear, are you referring to the IV? If you are, that is hardly a twisting mass of cables.
“Her antifreeze-green eyes flashed dangerously in the bleaching light..”
-I had had to hold back a laugh at the description of her eyes. Can you think of something better than antifreeze to describe them? You also don’t need the word bleaching. Remember to keep it simple, less is more when writing.
“Whether she was in pain, Seth had said something so awful only Seth could say it, or she was agonizing over the fact that she wore a dress covered in grinning pterodactyls, it was impossible to tell. Possibly it was all three.”
-What is going on in this sentence. It jumps from her waking up to something about her being in pain, or Seth saying something. The sentence is worded awkwardly, that is makes little sense. I would also suggest changing the word “pterodactyl”, as dinosaurs would do just fine. It seems as if that word is added just to look flashy, and intelligent.
“I took great pains to keep out of the reach of her IV-injected hands.”
-Again, what is going on? She is mad a Seth, so why are “you”(the m.c), fighting to keep out of her reach, as you did nothing wrong. You don’t explain why she is reaching for you.
“dying his skin the color of Maci’s hair. Bad Ethan. Shouldn’t be thinking about Maci.”
-Coffee does not dye skin, so that would be a mistake. Who is Maci? Why is the reader being introduced to this character? Besides having her mentioned for no reason, you don’t even elaborate on who she is, or what she means to Ethan. Why shouldn’t he think of her?
I like it. It would be nice to know what is going on, though. It’s cool that you can start writing from the middle of a story–I have trouble with that myself.